No Escape

35-ish min.

I stopped timing myself meditating. Not really on purpose I've just been more spontaneous about it.

I have a really hard time sleeping without taking anything mind-altering, because I think a lot. It's been going on since high school probably. There's been many nights I've thrown my pillow across the room. Yesterday though in the middle of the day while my eyes burned something came over me.

I accepted that I wouldn't be able to sleep and that I'd be tired again today. Then I smiled and kind of let myself enjoy the pain in my eyes for what it was. I slept probably 8-9 hours last night.

Now when I sat here this morning the first thought was about what I look like meditating and how I must look so serene right now. I always try to kind of shut down the negative thoughts and emotions and reach this state of mind that resembles what I've seen and read in books and online. I took the advice though of my experience yesterday with sleeping and just let my mind go think about whatever.

I have no idea if that's the traditional thing to do but at least I felt a little more free this morning instead of constricted by ideals. This Thursday I plan to venture out to a place called the Zen Center of Syracuse I found online for an orientation and meditating with others. Maybe I can get some guidance and learn how to sit properly. I just sit on a futon.

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