Sinner

19 min.

I have habits I don't want to have. When I act by habit I feel a little ashamed deep down. When I don't I feel proud and happy. So when I'm not the person I want to be, I separate myself from who I am. There's who I believe I am and then there's the way that I am day to day. Today I started wondering if maybe I'm deluded. Why am I opposed to my body and the ways it's come up with to cope with stress and enjoy the sensory world? Maybe I'm like a child and I'm completely overreacting in an abusive way.

Ideally I want to be completely free of any and all addiction and fear. I'm not though, and so far I have no idea how to deal with that. Meditation clears my mind, stills my perspective and helps me look at things more objectively. I still can't figure out what to say though when I go on a date. If I'm not perfect, or if perfection is a process, what use is shame? What can it do except stress me out? And if I'm trying to not do something, I end up thinking more about it then if it didn't matter whether I did it or not.

I guess I'm gonna try to start enjoying my habits. Worrying about it makes me spend a lot of time feeling disconnected from myself.

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