I'm alone. I don't connect with people on a deeper level very often and when I do it's partial. I don't experience a sense of satisfaction or completeness from relationships. That makes me sad.
I thought I experienced love at first sight a while ago. It turned out to be meaningless later on and a lot of stress came up. It's been a struggle to meditate. Seems like my mind has been really chaotic. It's obvious though that the issue is not with outside of me. I can't do anything about that. I have to do something about my own mindset to experience any alignment with reality.
Everything is out of hand. Nothing is bound by any rules in my head. I'm feeling a little nihilistic now. Feeling disconnected from everything, but it doesn't feel bad. It feels sad because I think I'm reacting to my circumstances. But now I'm spending more time being present, drawing for fun, doing whatever for just me. I don't feel like I have to let go of anything because I don't have anything. If I want to say something weird or do something funny, I'm doing it more now. It's not really relevant if anyone likes me or not.
This website reflects a similar mindset, so maybe this process started earlier. I don't share any of this with anyone. I take my time. I write when I feel like it. I draw when I feel like it. I go at whatever pace I want. I throw away what I don't like, I give away what I do. If anyone throws away what I give them that's alright. Everything is moving and changing.
I don't know if I'll end up married, a monk, in a rain forest or in a cubicle. My only intention for the future is to make a big change to my life when my school and car are paid off. What that is I trust my older, wiser self to figure out. Now though is real. This mind state, this personality, this environment, this form of expression. It's all I have and I'm returning to that when I breathe. It is what it is and what others don't love has no bearing on me and my love.